There are times in life when you see something that you physically can’t take your eyes off; it might be an incredibly talented musician, a record breaking athlete perhaps, or a stunningly beautiful human; it is rarely a kiwi fruit. Not that exceptional you might think, I can assure you that a kiwi fruit in Tuvalu is about as likely as a polar bear wandering down Oxford street, and for that moment I found myself just gazing at the flirtatiously firm and furry fruit dreaming of the taste explosion I was about to receive.
Unfortunately, as soon as I grabbed the kiwi, the dream shattered, or more appropriately, squished all around me in a cloud of green and fur, and I was left with the rotten remains of a once great fruit dripping off my fingers. On closer inspection all of the dozen or so kiwis were rotting away nicely, and certainly not fit for human consumption – why is life so cruel! So close to that deliciousness, but yet so far! The lack of fruit was getting to me, perhaps it was the start of scurvy, but I needed to rant to someone, and I racked my brains for an answer, and then it came to me – looking at the green mush on my hand I realised that I had seen this before, but back then it hadn’t been a putrid, rotten mess, it had been cold, fresh and delicious, my mind wandered to happy times back in the UK: sat at my desk at work, outside in the sun at a BBQ, hungover in Norwich, all these glorious times in my life when I had been accompanied by a faithfully fruity friend, a delicious innocent smoothie (the green kiwi one of course). I immediately knew who I could share my fruity problems with; they’d surely understand my tropically fruitless paradox wouldn’t they?
Like a damson in distress (see what I did there) I sat down and wrote a lengthy email to the people at innocent drinks to inform them of my plight:
“…I recall from your television adverts, that your smoothies often fly around the world in superhero capes, saving the needy from their fruit deficiencies, and so I am asking you, nay begging you, to please make your superhero smoothies aware of my plight, and the existence of Tuvalu. If they are able to fly to Fiji, then Tuvalu is but a short flight north, you can’t miss it….well you can miss it quite easily actually, boats miss it all the time, it really is quite small, but please ask them to persevere, and assure them it is a real country, with real chronic fruit availability problems.”
The lovely people at innocent sent me a reply straight away saying that although they wouldn’t be able to send me any actual smoothies, (their deliciousness is highly dependent on staying cold, which as you can imagine, is hard to guarantee in the South Pacific) they would instead send me a superhero letter with some other innocent treats in to keep me sane. This was brilliant, my very own innocent smoothie superhero, albeit in letter form, was now flying towards Tuvalu on a mission to save me! Nothing could stop the innocent team from helping me with my plight, and even when the first superhero letter disappeared into the murky depths of the UK postal system just before Christmas, they quickly sorted out a second one, and took a picture of it before putting it in the post for good measure.
Time passed….more time passed….the Tuvaluan post office sat empty, and the tropical storms continued to batter Fiji grounding all planes bound for Tuvalu, effectively cutting off the Tuvaluan postal service. This was bad news, very bad news indeed; our innocent superhero was strapped to a metaphorical juicer, awaiting their final squeeze – what would our brave, intrepid, innocent superhero do now? Well like any superhero worth their vitamins and minerals, they came up with a cunning plan; they escaped from the Fijian postal authorities, jumped into a passing post bag taking the scenic route to Tuvalu, and arrived 4 days later after crossing almost 1000 miles of treacherous Pacific Ocean by stowing away on a cargo ship bound for Kiribati! Is there anything these guys can’t do!
The next day the excitable lady from the post office came running up to me, and thrust two letters at me with some urgency – that’s right two letters! Incredibly, not only had the second superhero letter traversed the world’s largest ocean to get here, but the first superhero letter, who at the beginning of our story had been imprisoned in the dark, damp, ‘insufficient postage’ dungeon of the UK post office, had somehow escaped, and by some miracle, had arrived in the same post bag as his superhero contemporary.
Modestly, the superheroes passed off their many tales of adventure as “all part of the job”, and delivered the treats which they had carried with them these many miles, and then, with a job well done, they headed off into the tropical Pacific sunset. Now, thanks to the wonderful people at innocent drinks, and their well trained and professional team of superheroes, I am the proud owner of a random assortment of innocent fridge magnets which coincidentally spell “HELLO ANDY”, “HAD LONELY”, or “YELLO HAND” depending on your choice of anagram, and a fistful of crisp innocent vouchers for me to redeem upon my return to the UK. I have been saved from the ravages of scurvy, (or I will be as soon as I can get to a supermarket) and will forever be in debt to those innocent superheroes for helping me in my hour of need.
So to the team at innocent drinks, particularly you Rio, I would like to thank you for taking an interest in my fruitless plight and doing what you could to help me, I really appreciate it; and to the rest of you, if you haven’t already done so, get down to your nearest shop, buy an innocent smoothie (the green one is still the best I reckon), and spend some time learning of the adventures it has been through, oh and enjoy its deliciousness, because you never know when you might find yourself on a tropical island without any fruit.